And I thought I was eating at Billy's Reubens

I left the hospital on Sunday morning. HOME SWEET HOME!  

At departure, the Doc informed my parents that one of my tests was borderline; and as a result, I would need to return to the hospital on Monday for some additional testing.  Ugh! I was oh so disappointed... until I realized what test the Doc must of been referring to.  Of course, silly me!  The Doc must have been flabbergasted by my IQ test and needed me to retake the test.  I get it, I get it.  After all, it is unusual for an infant to have their IQ tested, let alone score so high that MENSA will inevitably come calling.  Gosh darn it, if the Doc wants to cover up his shock and awe by calling my genius, “borderline”, so be it.  I’d happily return to give the Doc another dose of #pinkboomsauce.  I knew the test would prove, without question, that the first test was anything but inconceivable.

On Monday, retest day, I overheard my Dad suggest taking the family on a post test jaunt to Billy’s Reubens. What an idea!  My father is so thoughtful.  Who else would know that a short excursion to Billy’s Reubens was the ideal place to celebrate? You see, I’d thought I knew what my dad was talking about... GIRL was I wrong.

Upon hearing Dad’s words, I immediately pictured my mother biting into a delicious reuben sandwich made by some 5 Star Chef named Billy.  The thought alone made me salivate like a parched infant stuck on a male’s chest. To me, the plan was as follows: Retake test. Amaze people, yet again, on said test.  Celebrate (expected) accomplishment by visiting to a world-class Delicatessen called Billy’s Reubens. Brilliant I tell you, just bri….

“Brilliant.”  Ooops, my bad.  Sorry for the poor word choice. Bile.  Yup, bile, that’s more like it.

Bile, bile bile. That word about sums it up. I mean come on Rowynn Priscilla Ridder, you should expect to make some mistakes in your first 100 hours of life, but this has to be an historic low.  How could you even think that life would be that easy?

Nevermind my self deprecation, facts are facts: No family jaunt. No delicious sandwich. And, of course, no genius diagnosis.  There was; however, one thing, jaundice.

Jaundice, if properly advertised and marketed, would put tanning salons out of service.  It could be quite the lovely condition, as it gives one’s olive skin a lovely yellow hue.  Call it a permo tan!  Problem is, though rare, the condition can cause serious issues; like brain damage.  I guess, despite my awesomeness, I can’t help the fact that my kidneys  struggled to  process bile, also know as bilirubin,...  A Billy Reuben Sandwich, OMG, . .

No worries though, the condition is very treatable.  The treatment, well it is about as awful as it gets.  It is basically the amalgamation of a 90’s rave and a day at the tanning salon. It is one part, drugs, pacifiers and crazy lights mixed with one part tanning bed and uncool eyewear.  

The whole thing stunk.  Mom couldn’t cuddle me, though she did sleep right beside me the entire night. Hour on hour she’d wake up to track my temp and give me a little snack.  She’s the best.  My dad on the other hand, well he tried to help too, but despite his best efforts, he mostly failed.  This should not be surprising given my dad’s MO….  Wake up, say something incoherent in all too loud voice.  Stumble out of bed.  Proceed to make even more noise by inevitably running into something, and then, finally, after everyone is up and I’m crying, return to bed under the loving death stare of my Mom.  On the bright side, one can only fail so much, so Dad got the hint, and well, he slept.

Luckily, after one night of treatment, my body had absorbed enough vitamin D to basically start producing enough of a natural juice like substance that, with the help of proper advertising and marketing, would undoubtedly put Sunny D’lite to shame. Point is, after only 12 hours, #pinkboomsauce was back with a vengeance. The exposure to light worked, my bilirubin levels returned to normal, and I’m back to being healthy, confident and constantly cuddled.

I look forward to writing soon, next up…. Oh brother, you’ll have to wait and see, as I got an Ace up my sleeve.